Large Hairy Chest

I don’t think I have important things to say, but I do think I have a lot of things that are important for me to say. If you can’t grasp that nuance then you should probably stop reading this and go find something a little more on your level say, Nancy Drew or The Hardy Boys.

The things I need to say probably won’t change the world, cure world hunger, or endear me to the masses. However, getting some of this off my large hairy chest might make living in my life somewhat easier.

Let me explain.

Most of what I have to say, at least at the outset, will revolve around religion. More specifically my experiences over the first 30ish years of my life and what I now think about those experiences.

A brief history: I grew up as an evangelical, both of my grandfathers were pastors of evangelical churches, my wife’s father is the pastor of an evangelical church, I spent (wasted?) 4 years of my life as a youth pastor and senior pastor, I had a “salvation” experience at the age of 13 and immediately knew that my life’s calling was to be in full time Christians ministry, I have a degree in Biblical Studies from a Christian college in the Midwest. So when I talk about Church, Faith, and Evangelicals I’m not speaking from ignorance. I’ve ridden the ride and have the t-shirt. (Literally, I have t-shirts that I now refuse to wear that my wife sleeps in.)

After many years of being a Christian I have lost my faith. When I say my faith is gone what I mean is that I no longer believe.

I simply can no longer believe the claims of the particular brand of Christianity that I was raised and educated in.

I’m not ready to call myself an agnostic, yet. I have three basic ties left to my Christian faith 1.) If I am wrong about this, I roast in hell for all eternity (I grew up in an Armenian tradition so my salvation is most certainly lost) 2.) My family and friends 3.) I still believe in God but not the much else. I am holding out hope that someday I will discover something I can believe in.

It would be so much easier if I just believed but I don’t. If not for my wife and kids I would be going to a catholic church. Not because I believe in their theology but because I enjoy the liturgy and symbolism and reverence. I was once a strong proponent for modern worship but now I just wish they would shut up long enough for me to have a serious thought about God in a sacred setting. But since Evangelical churches seldom resemble anything I would consider sacred, I’m pretty much screwed.

Reader: “Why not stop going to church altogether?”

Me: “I’m glad you asked because you have just touched upon the major conflict of my existence.”

Let me Pontificate.

Remember my first reason for clinging to the shreds of my Christian Faith? That’s right, the thought of spending eternity with a God sized cigarette lighter under my ass is not an appealing one. More importantly, and very seriously, I have two small children who I adore. What if I am wrong? What if God is exactly or even close to the God of the protestant Bible? My disbelief is not strong enough to trump the consequences my children might face.

I am more than willing to endure a lifetime of uninspired, unoriginal, blow hard sermons to allow my children to come to faith on their own without my own filth clouding their experience.

Life for those who simply believe is often easier. In some cases ignorance truly is bliss.

Also, sometimes you endure things in order to protect those around you. In this case, my wife and extended family. They know my faith is shaken but not the full extent. Again, the more ignorance, the more bliss.


One of my goals is to be completely honest in everything I write. Other than changing the names to protect the innocent, I want to say everything I’m thinking on a given topic in a completely truthful manner. This is a new thing for most Christians because we lie all the time. We don’t call it lying of course because we are too self-righteous. Pastors by the way are the worst. (I’ll explain more in a subsequent post)

Let me be clear. I am a firm believer in lying, stretching the truth, obscuring facts, and pulling the wool over people eyes. The truth is often a very dangerous thing. One of the reasons I am writing this blog under a pseudonym is because the truth of what I really believe would cause a great deal of pain to a number of people I love.

However, in this exercise I want to get out on paper (megapixels?) what I actually think without the filters. No language filters, (yes folks I have a potty mouth) No morality filters, No filters to protect people from what I truly think. It’s the only way I can think of to truly explore the developments in my life and beliefs.

So, let the discussion begin. (Bible thumpers need not apply. Go back to your first year Bible classes and let the grown ups talk. Fundamentalist beware, I will expose your secret desire to do the motorboat with a stripper.)