He-Man Theology

I can turn anything into a Bible lesson. Nothing escapes my fundamentalist powers. Even with my declining belief my mind will still contort seemingly meaningless minutia into inspired messages from God. Some people are bad at this and should not try to keep up with those of us who are gifted.

For example, in an episode that has lived in infamy, my youth pastor once tried to teach a Bible lesson using a Mr. Potato Head with a picture of Jesus stuck inside. This was disastrous. However, he’s a genuinely good guy so I guess we can forgo the heretic brand.

I once came up with a Bible lesson for teenagers using a baseball bat. I was sweating it because I was speaking to a state youth camp in a matter of minutes and I didn’t have anything to say. (Wow, I really valued the eternal home of their souls). There was a baseball bat in the corner of the gym. It all came to me in about ten second. (Maybe it was divinely inspired and I should have canonized.)

The baseball bat lesson went like this.

We have all sinned. I then asked the kids to call out some sins. Not their own of course, but some they had heard about other kids doing. I then wrote these sins on the baseball bat with a Sharpie. I then said that this bat was like Satan. He tries to beat us down with our past sins. In a stroke of genius I then asked the smallest frailest girl I could find to break the bat. She of course could not but I could. So I broke the bat over my knee. I then said that this was what Jesus did. He took away Satan’s bat so he could no longer beat us with our past sins.

Alter call, prayer, let’s eat ice cream.

This ridiculous exercise worked. The alters were full. Never let it be said that appealing to people’s sense of guilt doesn’t work. I used this same lesson multiple times and it always worked. This was my money shot.

Not only did this impress the kids but it also helped me with the single female youth workers. I just broke a baseball bat over my knee. I could be a member of the Power Team. For those of you lucky enough not know who the Power Team are, they are a bunch of guys who go around preaching Jesus by performing feats of strength. Breaking ice blocks, breaking bats, bench pressing while lying on a bed of nails, etc.

See, I told you, some people can turn anything into a Bible lesson.

Let me give you another one.

When I was a kid I loved to play with He-Man, Masters of the Universe. I had all the characters, the castles, the vehicles. You name is I had it.

Now He-Man was much like Superman in that he had a secret identify. When he was not running around wearing a fur Speedo and saving the universe he was the mild mannered Prince. It was only when he drew his magic sword and said “I have the power!!!” that he became He-Man.

If you think hard you might see the Biblical connection.

Evangelicals are fond of calling the Bible our sword. When we are kids we have “Sword Drills” where we try to be the first one to find a scripture when the teacher calls it out. No tabbed Bibles allowed because the truly holy can find books of the bible just be knowing the distance between the covers.

Yes, the Bible is our sword. Before we know the Bible we are just meek mild mannered, unable to defend ourselves from the arrows the enemy. However, when we draw our sword/Bible we then become He-Man. Probably without the fur loincloth because that’s not modest and the Bible teaches us to be modest.

There you go. The theology of He-Man.