One of the challenges I face is writing without editing myself.
I've spent most of my life regurgitating the standard Christian dogma and to be fair, some of it I truly believed. In fact, there are still parts that I find meaningful. However, I was like most Christians who say many things because they are "part of the package" and not because they have truly discovered that belief for themselves.
In many ways most Christians have not read the fine print of their contract. Many could not tell you why they hold one theological view point over another. (With the advent and popularization of the Mega-Church it's become difficult to find Christians who have any clue about theology. Mega-churches in general are very good at getting people in the door but very bad at educated them once they have them drinking the cool aid.) I have found that what church a person grows up in is typically what dictates the kind of theology a person will have. That seems intuitive to me because to some extend, believer or non-believer, we are all indoctrinated by the environment we grow up in.
However, I have come to believe that our theology, what we believe about God, is far too important of an issue to leave to the ovarian lottery.
Let me Pontificate
I grew up in a church that believed that a person's salvation could be lost. For example, I might be saved today but if over the next year, I began drinking, doing drugs, and sleeping with strippers then my salvation might be in jeopardy. The college I attended also held that view. It was years later when I actually became intellectually curious that I realized that this was a minority viewpoint among Christian traditions. Most American Evangelicals believe that once you are saved you are safe from the fires of Hell forever. (Eternally Secure)
However, most people who claim to believe in Eternal Security are wimps about it. When someone who was once committed to the faith falls away and begins living a sinful life, Eternal Securists will typically say "They must not have been saved in the first place". I find this statement among the most repugnant things I've ever witnessed in Christianity.
It's as if the person is saying "I believe in Eternal Security as long as someone continues to follow Jesus. If they stray from the straight and narrow then they must never have been saved at all." As if getting saved suddenly removes your free will.
I say, if you're going to claim a theology, then stick to it and don't be such a pussy about it.
The theology of Eternal Security in its purest form is actually quit beautiful. The love, mercy, and forgiveness offered in Jesus Christ is so powerful that no sin, not marital infidelity, not homosexuality, not lying or gossip or slander, not even murder can overwhelm the redemptive act of Jesus Christ. That my friends is an amazing God concept and if that is your theology you shouldn't cheapen it applying it only when it makes you comfortable.
I was never able to fully settle this theological questions in my mind before I reached the point of not caring. You can make relatively sound arguments for either side using scripture which makes this a particularly difficult question for Protestants to work out.
My example above involving strippers, drinking, and drugs is pretty extreme and meant to be a bit tongue in cheek. However, if you are honest you can certainly see how this theology of losing ones salvation can lead to a great deal of legalism.
I'm getting far of course…
Part of the reason I started to blog (this still sounds funny to me) is because I wanted to put into words what I truly believe. I wanted some way to express in an unfiltered manner my thoughts on matters of faith.
These days my challenge is different. I no longer care about having the "correct" position. Now, I try not to harm those I love by uncovering the full extend of my disbelief. If my thoughts came out in an unedited flow my cynical and caustic attitude toward the church and Christians would be hurtful.
Christians typically can't be honest with themselves about what they think and feel. They are too concerned about figuring out what a Christian should say/think/do that they can't be honest. So they end up lying.
Let me paint a picture for the uninitiated.
It's the end of a typical church service. For the past hour, the music, the praying, and the sermon have all been building to the penultimate moment when the pastor asks this question "If you were to die on the way home from church are you 100% sure you would spend eternity with Jesus." Then the pastor typically says "Every head bowed and every eye closed" Then he leads all the sinners in a prayer accepting Jesus in their hearts so they can be 100% sure that if they hit by a bus they wont end up stoking the fires of Hell.
Then the pastor continues, "While heads are still bowed and eyes are still closed if you prayed that prayer with me and accepted the Lord Jesus as your savior would you just slip your hand up so I could see it."
This is the part where I typically throw up in my mouth. It's the same every time. The Pastor starts saying things like "I see that hand. Yes, I see your hand and your hand. Yes, yes, hands going up all over the sanctuary. Yes, Yes, I see your hand."
The pastor typically tells everyone to look up now and says that anyone who raised their hand should come down front after the service so he can give them a little gift and get them set up with material that will help them in their first days a new Christian.
There are two specific lies that stand out to me in this little interchange that is repeated thousands of times each Sunday.
1.) Anyone who says they are 100% sure that they will spend eternity in Heaven with Jesus is either lying or too stupid to be intellectually honest enough to admit that no one can be 100% sure.
2.) I have seldom seen a Pastor who did not lie about the number of hands they counted. I always look to see who raises their hands (so what? I'm an asshole.). I've seen pastors recognize raised hands like they were auctioning off the prize pig at the county fair, when in reality not a single hand was raised.
What if Christians were just honest and admitted that on bad days they might be only 50% sure that God even exists. What if a pastor admitted that their sermon sucked and no one had a "come to Jesus" moment? Would that be so bad, would that be counterproductive? …
(Pastor, by the way, don't like to admit that no one got saved because in most Christian theology it's the work of the Spirit that brings people to a place of Salvation. If no one gets saved then in reality it's the Spirits failure to act. Christians and Pastor particularly are very uncomfortable with that so they lie to help God save face.)
Friday, May 29, 2009
Have I told you I Hate Christian (most of them anyway)
Let me set the stage
It is three months after I stopped pastoring St, Michael's church in Asscrack, South Carolina. I’m working at a second rate car dealership full criminals, liars, and thieves. I fit right in. Fraud is being committed on a nearly hourly basis by falsifying documents so that lenders will give car loans to the people using food stamps to buy an eight ball from the guy who sits in the desk next to me. I’m living in a borrowed pool house where my son is sleeping in a closet. I have not sold a car in weeks because I’m white and I don’t know enough crack addicts. I have no money, no future, and no idea where I’m going to move my family when we have to move out of the borrowed pool house.
This is not my finest hour.
I am filling my car up with gas to make a 2 hour drive across the toilet bowl they call South Carolina so that I can meet with the Credentials Committee who will decide if I can become an Ordained Minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For those lucky enough not to know what a Credentials Committee is, this is basically a group of old pastors who make sure that young pastors meet all the qualification and have all the correct beliefs in order to be considered an ordained minister.
For anyone who knows my full story in the wonderful state of South Carolina you may be asking yourself “Why would he go the trouble, waist the time and money, to do this given what the church has already put him through over the last six months.”
My only answer is that I took far too many blows to head playing football and have become a waterhead.
But I digress
So I drive to some shitty diner, in some shitty small town, in the shitiest of all states so that I can sit in front of a group five spectacularly unsuccessful pastors who will judge my progress in the ordination process and determine if I can continue.
I have little or no idea of what is going to happen in this meeting but after all, how difficult could it be? I knew who would be there and I was relatively sure that this was not going to turn into the IQ Olympics. I’m quick on my feet. I can handle this.
One detail, just so we can all experience this little story together.
Probably eight months prior to this exercise I was asked to answer a series of questions on various topics salient to the church. Theology, Church governance, lifestyle questions, you get the picture. I’m shooting for total honesty when answering these questions, just like now only without the colorful language and the “I’ve finally broken free of the brain washing” attitude.
I wait for a few moments and I’m called back into the private room they have reserved for their meeting. I pour myself a glass of water and wait for the fun to begin. In front of me is a small packed up papers with my name on front and I notice that each of them have something similar in front of them.
There are five people sitting around the table. I don’t remember most of their names but for the sake of the story let’s give them titles. On my right is The Educated Lady, to her right is the Elderly Black Pastor (EBP), to his right is the leader who we can call Mac, to Mac’s right is a man whose contributions were so limited I don’t recall him speaking so we will call him Silent Bob and leave it at that. Finally, to my immediate left is a guy I’ll call Doughboy.
Now let’s be clear, I’m fat. But I’m the kind of fat that if you pissed me off I could flip your car over with you in it. And in my defense I could have called him “Closetboy” but that would be mean.
Mac thanks me for taking the time to come meet with them and asks me to tell everyone how I’ve been doing since I left the church and what I’ve been up to, what I’m doing for work, etc. I answer their questions, leaving out the part about the crack heads I try to sell cars to.
This is generally socially accepted small talk that is likely to start any meeting, so I’m felling relaxed and comfortable. I grew up in the church, these are my people.
The next question seems innocent enough.
Mac: “Where are you and your wife going to church?”
Walter: “We are going to a wonderful church down the street from us named The So and So Baptist Church. “
Mac: “Hmm.”
Doughboy: “Do you mind if I ask a question?”
Walter: {In my head} Oh Shit…
Doughboy: “Why aren’t you going to Pastor Jones’ church that in your town. It’s a Church of God and doing very well. Is there any particular reason you decided to attend a church outside of your own tradition?”
I’m quick on my feet so this is what I consider to be a softball pitch. A lesser man’s attempt to sound important. This can’t possibly be a real issue.
Walter: “Well after going through what I just went through at St. Michaels I felt like me and my family needed a little space. We needed to worship in a place where no one knew who we were. Honestly, I just wanted a healthy church where people would have no idea I was once a pastor.”
EBP: “I see, are you aware of their theological differences from us?”
Walter: {In my head} “No, the degree on my wall is for decoration only”
Walter: “I’m guessing that you are referring to Eternal Security?”
EBP: “Yes, that would be the main difference.”
Ok, for those of you who have a life and don’t understand the argument surround Eternal Security let me break it down like this. If you believe in Eternal Security you believe that once you have a genuine salvation experience with Jesus Christ that nothing you do or say can cause you to loose your salvation. You are Eternally Secure. Obviously, if you believe the opposite you believe that through your actions you can loose your salvation. Baptists believe in Eternal Security and the Church of God (my particular tradition) does not.
Lets continue
Walter: “Yes, there is a difference on that one point of theology but this is a bible believing and bible preaching church. They aren’t preaching heresy and they have a great children program for my son.”
At this point we move and on and I consider the issue closed.
We move on to my answers to the question on the form I filled out almost a year ago. At this point the Educated Lady takes over. They have no issues until we reach the final two questions. These may not be exact reproductions of the questions but close enough.
“Do you now, or have you ever partaken of alcoholic beverages?”
“Do you now, or have you ever used tobacco products.”
On the questionnaire I answered yes to both questions and in the spirit of honesty I chose to elaborate so as not to cause confusion. Mac decided to read my responses aloud.
“Yes, in college there was a time when I drank quite heavily but I have not done so in many years. However, I do on occasion enjoy a glass of wine.”
“Yes, I do enjoy a cigar from time to time. I would guess I smoke roughly four cigars a year.”
You could feel their ass holes pucker when I said “Yes, those are truthful answers”
Doughboy: “Obviously you don’t see anything wrong with that since you are talking to us about it so forthcoming.”
Me: “No, I don’t have any issues with it. You asked a question that I answered honestly.”
The next three comment came in quick machine gin fashion
EBP: “Have you considered that these liberal ideas you have could have influenced your preaching and your congregation picked up on them and that is what caused the problems at St. Michael?”
Doughboy: “How often do you smoke?”
Educated Lady: “You know we believe in Holiness”
I would love to tell you that I blew my top and cut them to pieces over their obvious retardation. However, this was a different life and I was a different person than I am now. No, I simply took their comments, got in my car and drove back to work to hang out with people who treated me better. The crack heads.
I received a letter a month or so later telling me that they could not recommend me for ordination at this time. They did outline a process I should work through in order to clear up the issues in my life and with my theology. They provided a long list of books I should read and asked that I meet with Doughboy on a monthly basis for further counseling.
Let me put this in Walter Mitty terms.
I’m living in a town 10 miles from the church I once pastored and they want me to attend the sister church of that congregation because my choice to attend a Baptist church shows that I have unresolved theological questions. I drink wine on rare occasions and smoke a good cigar on a quarterly basis so I am obviously morally bankrupt. I can go out and spend $19.95 online to get ordained but these wind bags have decided I don’t meet their criteria.
Have I told you that I hate Christians?
They assign me a list of book to read. Not only have read ever single one of these books previously. I’ve read the source material that these authors plagiarized because I am smarter and more intellectually curious than all 5 of these “scholars” put together. Then they want me to spend time with Doughboy, the closet homosexual who wants to “nurture” me back into the fold. Thanks but the visual imagery is bad enough, I’ll pass.
Here’s a list things I should have said in that meeting:
“Which kind of holiness? The church down the street thinks if women don’t cut their hair then they are holy, but a man must cut his hair in order to be holy. Maybe I should have just lied on the form then visited my barber.”
“Let me be clear, I am no longer the pastor at St. Michaels because half the people who attend are racists strait out of the movie Mississippi Burning and I decided to preach a sermon where I talked about the evils of racism. You would have liked it, my main illustration of racism was when a member of my congregation said to a five year old black kid, and I quote ‘Someone put that dog back on its leash’.”
“If by liberal you mean that I reject the notion that when the Bible says Jesus drank and created wine it was really talking about grape juice, then you Sir are correct, I am a flaming liberal”
I don’t really think it would have mattered what I said to them because what small minds these folks possessed were already made up before I arrived.
This is one of the episodes that cemented my position as highly critical and pessimistic about the Church.
Post Script – I must add that I do not hate all Christians. My wife is a Christian as are most of my family and I love each of them very much. There are still precisely 3 pastors that I respect. One of them died several weeks ago but I haven’t found many likely candidates to fill his spot.
It is three months after I stopped pastoring St, Michael's church in Asscrack, South Carolina. I’m working at a second rate car dealership full criminals, liars, and thieves. I fit right in. Fraud is being committed on a nearly hourly basis by falsifying documents so that lenders will give car loans to the people using food stamps to buy an eight ball from the guy who sits in the desk next to me. I’m living in a borrowed pool house where my son is sleeping in a closet. I have not sold a car in weeks because I’m white and I don’t know enough crack addicts. I have no money, no future, and no idea where I’m going to move my family when we have to move out of the borrowed pool house.
This is not my finest hour.
I am filling my car up with gas to make a 2 hour drive across the toilet bowl they call South Carolina so that I can meet with the Credentials Committee who will decide if I can become an Ordained Minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For those lucky enough not to know what a Credentials Committee is, this is basically a group of old pastors who make sure that young pastors meet all the qualification and have all the correct beliefs in order to be considered an ordained minister.
For anyone who knows my full story in the wonderful state of South Carolina you may be asking yourself “Why would he go the trouble, waist the time and money, to do this given what the church has already put him through over the last six months.”
My only answer is that I took far too many blows to head playing football and have become a waterhead.
But I digress
So I drive to some shitty diner, in some shitty small town, in the shitiest of all states so that I can sit in front of a group five spectacularly unsuccessful pastors who will judge my progress in the ordination process and determine if I can continue.
I have little or no idea of what is going to happen in this meeting but after all, how difficult could it be? I knew who would be there and I was relatively sure that this was not going to turn into the IQ Olympics. I’m quick on my feet. I can handle this.
One detail, just so we can all experience this little story together.
Probably eight months prior to this exercise I was asked to answer a series of questions on various topics salient to the church. Theology, Church governance, lifestyle questions, you get the picture. I’m shooting for total honesty when answering these questions, just like now only without the colorful language and the “I’ve finally broken free of the brain washing” attitude.
I wait for a few moments and I’m called back into the private room they have reserved for their meeting. I pour myself a glass of water and wait for the fun to begin. In front of me is a small packed up papers with my name on front and I notice that each of them have something similar in front of them.
There are five people sitting around the table. I don’t remember most of their names but for the sake of the story let’s give them titles. On my right is The Educated Lady, to her right is the Elderly Black Pastor (EBP), to his right is the leader who we can call Mac, to Mac’s right is a man whose contributions were so limited I don’t recall him speaking so we will call him Silent Bob and leave it at that. Finally, to my immediate left is a guy I’ll call Doughboy.
Now let’s be clear, I’m fat. But I’m the kind of fat that if you pissed me off I could flip your car over with you in it. And in my defense I could have called him “Closetboy” but that would be mean.
Mac thanks me for taking the time to come meet with them and asks me to tell everyone how I’ve been doing since I left the church and what I’ve been up to, what I’m doing for work, etc. I answer their questions, leaving out the part about the crack heads I try to sell cars to.
This is generally socially accepted small talk that is likely to start any meeting, so I’m felling relaxed and comfortable. I grew up in the church, these are my people.
The next question seems innocent enough.
Mac: “Where are you and your wife going to church?”
Walter: “We are going to a wonderful church down the street from us named The So and So Baptist Church. “
Mac: “Hmm.”
Doughboy: “Do you mind if I ask a question?”
Walter: {In my head} Oh Shit…
Doughboy: “Why aren’t you going to Pastor Jones’ church that in your town. It’s a Church of God and doing very well. Is there any particular reason you decided to attend a church outside of your own tradition?”
I’m quick on my feet so this is what I consider to be a softball pitch. A lesser man’s attempt to sound important. This can’t possibly be a real issue.
Walter: “Well after going through what I just went through at St. Michaels I felt like me and my family needed a little space. We needed to worship in a place where no one knew who we were. Honestly, I just wanted a healthy church where people would have no idea I was once a pastor.”
EBP: “I see, are you aware of their theological differences from us?”
Walter: {In my head} “No, the degree on my wall is for decoration only”
Walter: “I’m guessing that you are referring to Eternal Security?”
EBP: “Yes, that would be the main difference.”
Ok, for those of you who have a life and don’t understand the argument surround Eternal Security let me break it down like this. If you believe in Eternal Security you believe that once you have a genuine salvation experience with Jesus Christ that nothing you do or say can cause you to loose your salvation. You are Eternally Secure. Obviously, if you believe the opposite you believe that through your actions you can loose your salvation. Baptists believe in Eternal Security and the Church of God (my particular tradition) does not.
Lets continue
Walter: “Yes, there is a difference on that one point of theology but this is a bible believing and bible preaching church. They aren’t preaching heresy and they have a great children program for my son.”
At this point we move and on and I consider the issue closed.
We move on to my answers to the question on the form I filled out almost a year ago. At this point the Educated Lady takes over. They have no issues until we reach the final two questions. These may not be exact reproductions of the questions but close enough.
“Do you now, or have you ever partaken of alcoholic beverages?”
“Do you now, or have you ever used tobacco products.”
On the questionnaire I answered yes to both questions and in the spirit of honesty I chose to elaborate so as not to cause confusion. Mac decided to read my responses aloud.
“Yes, in college there was a time when I drank quite heavily but I have not done so in many years. However, I do on occasion enjoy a glass of wine.”
“Yes, I do enjoy a cigar from time to time. I would guess I smoke roughly four cigars a year.”
You could feel their ass holes pucker when I said “Yes, those are truthful answers”
Doughboy: “Obviously you don’t see anything wrong with that since you are talking to us about it so forthcoming.”
Me: “No, I don’t have any issues with it. You asked a question that I answered honestly.”
The next three comment came in quick machine gin fashion
EBP: “Have you considered that these liberal ideas you have could have influenced your preaching and your congregation picked up on them and that is what caused the problems at St. Michael?”
Doughboy: “How often do you smoke?”
Educated Lady: “You know we believe in Holiness”
I would love to tell you that I blew my top and cut them to pieces over their obvious retardation. However, this was a different life and I was a different person than I am now. No, I simply took their comments, got in my car and drove back to work to hang out with people who treated me better. The crack heads.
I received a letter a month or so later telling me that they could not recommend me for ordination at this time. They did outline a process I should work through in order to clear up the issues in my life and with my theology. They provided a long list of books I should read and asked that I meet with Doughboy on a monthly basis for further counseling.
Let me put this in Walter Mitty terms.
I’m living in a town 10 miles from the church I once pastored and they want me to attend the sister church of that congregation because my choice to attend a Baptist church shows that I have unresolved theological questions. I drink wine on rare occasions and smoke a good cigar on a quarterly basis so I am obviously morally bankrupt. I can go out and spend $19.95 online to get ordained but these wind bags have decided I don’t meet their criteria.
Have I told you that I hate Christians?
They assign me a list of book to read. Not only have read ever single one of these books previously. I’ve read the source material that these authors plagiarized because I am smarter and more intellectually curious than all 5 of these “scholars” put together. Then they want me to spend time with Doughboy, the closet homosexual who wants to “nurture” me back into the fold. Thanks but the visual imagery is bad enough, I’ll pass.
Here’s a list things I should have said in that meeting:
“Which kind of holiness? The church down the street thinks if women don’t cut their hair then they are holy, but a man must cut his hair in order to be holy. Maybe I should have just lied on the form then visited my barber.”
“Let me be clear, I am no longer the pastor at St. Michaels because half the people who attend are racists strait out of the movie Mississippi Burning and I decided to preach a sermon where I talked about the evils of racism. You would have liked it, my main illustration of racism was when a member of my congregation said to a five year old black kid, and I quote ‘Someone put that dog back on its leash’.”
“If by liberal you mean that I reject the notion that when the Bible says Jesus drank and created wine it was really talking about grape juice, then you Sir are correct, I am a flaming liberal”
I don’t really think it would have mattered what I said to them because what small minds these folks possessed were already made up before I arrived.
This is one of the episodes that cemented my position as highly critical and pessimistic about the Church.
Post Script – I must add that I do not hate all Christians. My wife is a Christian as are most of my family and I love each of them very much. There are still precisely 3 pastors that I respect. One of them died several weeks ago but I haven’t found many likely candidates to fill his spot.
Large Hairy Chest
I don’t think I have important things to say, but I do think I have a lot of things that are important for me to say. If you can’t grasp that nuance then you should probably stop reading this and go find something a little more on your level say, Nancy Drew or The Hardy Boys.
The things I need to say probably won’t change the world, cure world hunger, or endear me to the masses. However, getting some of this off my large hairy chest might make living in my life somewhat easier.
Let me explain.
Most of what I have to say, at least at the outset, will revolve around religion. More specifically my experiences over the first 30ish years of my life and what I now think about those experiences.
A brief history: I grew up as an evangelical, both of my grandfathers were pastors of evangelical churches, my wife’s father is the pastor of an evangelical church, I spent (wasted?) 4 years of my life as a youth pastor and senior pastor, I had a “salvation” experience at the age of 13 and immediately knew that my life’s calling was to be in full time Christians ministry, I have a degree in Biblical Studies from a Christian college in the Midwest. So when I talk about Church, Faith, and Evangelicals I’m not speaking from ignorance. I’ve ridden the ride and have the t-shirt. (Literally, I have t-shirts that I now refuse to wear that my wife sleeps in.)
After many years of being a Christian I have lost my faith. When I say my faith is gone what I mean is that I no longer believe.
I simply can no longer believe the claims of the particular brand of Christianity that I was raised and educated in.
I’m not ready to call myself an agnostic, yet. I have three basic ties left to my Christian faith 1.) If I am wrong about this, I roast in hell for all eternity (I grew up in an Armenian tradition so my salvation is most certainly lost) 2.) My family and friends 3.) I still believe in God but not the much else. I am holding out hope that someday I will discover something I can believe in.
It would be so much easier if I just believed but I don’t. If not for my wife and kids I would be going to a catholic church. Not because I believe in their theology but because I enjoy the liturgy and symbolism and reverence. I was once a strong proponent for modern worship but now I just wish they would shut up long enough for me to have a serious thought about God in a sacred setting. But since Evangelical churches seldom resemble anything I would consider sacred, I’m pretty much screwed.
Reader: “Why not stop going to church altogether?”
Me: “I’m glad you asked because you have just touched upon the major conflict of my existence.”
Let me Pontificate.
Remember my first reason for clinging to the shreds of my Christian Faith? That’s right, the thought of spending eternity with a God sized cigarette lighter under my ass is not an appealing one. More importantly, and very seriously, I have two small children who I adore. What if I am wrong? What if God is exactly or even close to the God of the protestant Bible? My disbelief is not strong enough to trump the consequences my children might face.
I am more than willing to endure a lifetime of uninspired, unoriginal, blow hard sermons to allow my children to come to faith on their own without my own filth clouding their experience.
Life for those who simply believe is often easier. In some cases ignorance truly is bliss.
Also, sometimes you endure things in order to protect those around you. In this case, my wife and extended family. They know my faith is shaken but not the full extent. Again, the more ignorance, the more bliss.
One of my goals is to be completely honest in everything I write. Other than changing the names to protect the innocent, I want to say everything I’m thinking on a given topic in a completely truthful manner. This is a new thing for most Christians because we lie all the time. We don’t call it lying of course because we are too self-righteous. Pastors by the way are the worst. (I’ll explain more in a subsequent post)
Let me be clear. I am a firm believer in lying, stretching the truth, obscuring facts, and pulling the wool over people eyes. The truth is often a very dangerous thing. One of the reasons I am writing this blog under a pseudonym is because the truth of what I really believe would cause a great deal of pain to a number of people I love.
However, in this exercise I want to get out on paper (megapixels?) what I actually think without the filters. No language filters, (yes folks I have a potty mouth) No morality filters, No filters to protect people from what I truly think. It’s the only way I can think of to truly explore the developments in my life and beliefs.
So, let the discussion begin. (Bible thumpers need not apply. Go back to your first year Bible classes and let the grown ups talk. Fundamentalist beware, I will expose your secret desire to do the motorboat with a stripper.)
The things I need to say probably won’t change the world, cure world hunger, or endear me to the masses. However, getting some of this off my large hairy chest might make living in my life somewhat easier.
Let me explain.
Most of what I have to say, at least at the outset, will revolve around religion. More specifically my experiences over the first 30ish years of my life and what I now think about those experiences.
A brief history: I grew up as an evangelical, both of my grandfathers were pastors of evangelical churches, my wife’s father is the pastor of an evangelical church, I spent (wasted?) 4 years of my life as a youth pastor and senior pastor, I had a “salvation” experience at the age of 13 and immediately knew that my life’s calling was to be in full time Christians ministry, I have a degree in Biblical Studies from a Christian college in the Midwest. So when I talk about Church, Faith, and Evangelicals I’m not speaking from ignorance. I’ve ridden the ride and have the t-shirt. (Literally, I have t-shirts that I now refuse to wear that my wife sleeps in.)
After many years of being a Christian I have lost my faith. When I say my faith is gone what I mean is that I no longer believe.
I simply can no longer believe the claims of the particular brand of Christianity that I was raised and educated in.
I’m not ready to call myself an agnostic, yet. I have three basic ties left to my Christian faith 1.) If I am wrong about this, I roast in hell for all eternity (I grew up in an Armenian tradition so my salvation is most certainly lost) 2.) My family and friends 3.) I still believe in God but not the much else. I am holding out hope that someday I will discover something I can believe in.
It would be so much easier if I just believed but I don’t. If not for my wife and kids I would be going to a catholic church. Not because I believe in their theology but because I enjoy the liturgy and symbolism and reverence. I was once a strong proponent for modern worship but now I just wish they would shut up long enough for me to have a serious thought about God in a sacred setting. But since Evangelical churches seldom resemble anything I would consider sacred, I’m pretty much screwed.
Reader: “Why not stop going to church altogether?”
Me: “I’m glad you asked because you have just touched upon the major conflict of my existence.”
Let me Pontificate.
Remember my first reason for clinging to the shreds of my Christian Faith? That’s right, the thought of spending eternity with a God sized cigarette lighter under my ass is not an appealing one. More importantly, and very seriously, I have two small children who I adore. What if I am wrong? What if God is exactly or even close to the God of the protestant Bible? My disbelief is not strong enough to trump the consequences my children might face.
I am more than willing to endure a lifetime of uninspired, unoriginal, blow hard sermons to allow my children to come to faith on their own without my own filth clouding their experience.
Life for those who simply believe is often easier. In some cases ignorance truly is bliss.
Also, sometimes you endure things in order to protect those around you. In this case, my wife and extended family. They know my faith is shaken but not the full extent. Again, the more ignorance, the more bliss.
One of my goals is to be completely honest in everything I write. Other than changing the names to protect the innocent, I want to say everything I’m thinking on a given topic in a completely truthful manner. This is a new thing for most Christians because we lie all the time. We don’t call it lying of course because we are too self-righteous. Pastors by the way are the worst. (I’ll explain more in a subsequent post)
Let me be clear. I am a firm believer in lying, stretching the truth, obscuring facts, and pulling the wool over people eyes. The truth is often a very dangerous thing. One of the reasons I am writing this blog under a pseudonym is because the truth of what I really believe would cause a great deal of pain to a number of people I love.
However, in this exercise I want to get out on paper (megapixels?) what I actually think without the filters. No language filters, (yes folks I have a potty mouth) No morality filters, No filters to protect people from what I truly think. It’s the only way I can think of to truly explore the developments in my life and beliefs.
So, let the discussion begin. (Bible thumpers need not apply. Go back to your first year Bible classes and let the grown ups talk. Fundamentalist beware, I will expose your secret desire to do the motorboat with a stripper.)
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