I can turn anything into a Bible lesson. Nothing escapes my fundamentalist powers. Even with my declining belief my mind will still contort seemingly meaningless minutia into inspired messages from God. Some people are bad at this and should not try to keep up with those of us who are gifted.
For example, in an episode that has lived in infamy, my youth pastor once tried to teach a Bible lesson using a Mr. Potato Head with a picture of Jesus stuck inside. This was disastrous. However, he’s a genuinely good guy so I guess we can forgo the heretic brand.
I once came up with a Bible lesson for teenagers using a baseball bat. I was sweating it because I was speaking to a state youth camp in a matter of minutes and I didn’t have anything to say. (Wow, I really valued the eternal home of their souls). There was a baseball bat in the corner of the gym. It all came to me in about ten second. (Maybe it was divinely inspired and I should have canonized.)
The baseball bat lesson went like this.
We have all sinned. I then asked the kids to call out some sins. Not their own of course, but some they had heard about other kids doing. I then wrote these sins on the baseball bat with a Sharpie. I then said that this bat was like Satan. He tries to beat us down with our past sins. In a stroke of genius I then asked the smallest frailest girl I could find to break the bat. She of course could not but I could. So I broke the bat over my knee. I then said that this was what Jesus did. He took away Satan’s bat so he could no longer beat us with our past sins.
Alter call, prayer, let’s eat ice cream.
This ridiculous exercise worked. The alters were full. Never let it be said that appealing to people’s sense of guilt doesn’t work. I used this same lesson multiple times and it always worked. This was my money shot.
Not only did this impress the kids but it also helped me with the single female youth workers. I just broke a baseball bat over my knee. I could be a member of the Power Team. For those of you lucky enough not know who the Power Team are, they are a bunch of guys who go around preaching Jesus by performing feats of strength. Breaking ice blocks, breaking bats, bench pressing while lying on a bed of nails, etc.
See, I told you, some people can turn anything into a Bible lesson.
Let me give you another one.
When I was a kid I loved to play with He-Man, Masters of the Universe. I had all the characters, the castles, the vehicles. You name is I had it.
Now He-Man was much like Superman in that he had a secret identify. When he was not running around wearing a fur Speedo and saving the universe he was the mild mannered Prince. It was only when he drew his magic sword and said “I have the power!!!” that he became He-Man.
If you think hard you might see the Biblical connection.
Evangelicals are fond of calling the Bible our sword. When we are kids we have “Sword Drills” where we try to be the first one to find a scripture when the teacher calls it out. No tabbed Bibles allowed because the truly holy can find books of the bible just be knowing the distance between the covers.
Yes, the Bible is our sword. Before we know the Bible we are just meek mild mannered, unable to defend ourselves from the arrows the enemy. However, when we draw our sword/Bible we then become He-Man. Probably without the fur loincloth because that’s not modest and the Bible teaches us to be modest.
There you go. The theology of He-Man.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Chains
When I was a kid I was a fan of He-Man, Masters of the Universe. I had all the figures and the castles. My parents were great about that kind of thing. I use to lie on the floor for hours and have them wrestle each other WWF style. (You should read my post about making a Bible lesson out of anything)
One of the toys came with a video. This wasn’t a reproduction of the cartoons you saw on TV. This thing was low budget and had the production value of a 70’s porno. The theme of the video has always stayed with me, which I guess is something of a tribute.
He-Man’s arch nemesis is Skeletor. Seeing as He-Man is nearly indestructible Skeletor can never quite defeat him. The opening scene of the cartoon shows Skeletor talking to his IQ challenged sidekick Beastman. Skeletor explains to Beastman that he is going to bind He-Man with chains. Beastman correctly points out that He-Man can break any chains. Skeletor corrects him by telling him these are going to be chains of Duty.
I don’t remember many details from this point on but Skeletor obviously tries to put He-Man is some kind of dilemma over conflicting duties. It of course doesn’t work and He-Man is eventually victorious. I love it when the good guy wins.
Chain’s of Duty. It’s an interesting concept.
I was reminded of this little cartoon while watching the new episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8. (Yes, I’m pretty sure my sexuality is in question because of this.) I’m not going to take the time to explain the show, but if you know anything about it, you know these two Parental gems have a set of twins and a set of sextuplets. (That’s the plus 8 part.) They are having marital troubles for a number of reasons but that’s not my point. My point is that the husband is obviously tied to this TV show - and his wife for that matter – by chains of duty. Maybe he signed a contract, maybe he has financial obligations that won’t let him leave, maybe his wife really does keep his balls in a jar on her desk but regardless, this guy is definitely in chains.
I’ve found that many Christians both devout and backslidden live everyday chained down by chains of duty (guilt?). I am no exception. What’s more, Christians react violently to those who have left the faith and who completely throw off the chains of duty. It is as if there is still this expectation that the backslider will still hold relatively close to the old ideas and rules.
I wonder how life would be without chains of duty.
Several years ago one of my former mentors announced to the world that he now preferred penises and that in fact he was never really all that into vaginas. He was a well respected worship pastor and over the years had developed a mentor type relationship with many young people. Needless to say this had repercussions. He was no longer allowed to pastor in our particular denomination, he and his wife divorced, and many people stopped speaking to him. I’m sure his experience has been repeated thousands of time in the church.
Honestly, I can’t quite reconcile what he’s done in my own mind. I’m still pretty much a homophobe. Still, who wants to live their life denying who they are and being miserable? I can certainly understand why he might make that choice. Also, who am I say he can’t put his penis where he wants to?
Sorry, I’m straying from the point just so I can make penis jokes.
What I really want to ask my friend (if you ever read this, I still consider you a dear friend) is, are you really happier? Having thrown off the chains of duty do you really live your life in a more satisfying and fulfilling way? How did you make it through the initial pain your choice caused those around you?
I don’t ask these questions in an accusatory way. These are real questions that may not have easy answers.
My penis loving friend once posted a quote to his MySpace page that went something like this “Abominable no more, now quite authentic.”
I wonder, is my large gay friend really He-Man?
One of the toys came with a video. This wasn’t a reproduction of the cartoons you saw on TV. This thing was low budget and had the production value of a 70’s porno. The theme of the video has always stayed with me, which I guess is something of a tribute.
He-Man’s arch nemesis is Skeletor. Seeing as He-Man is nearly indestructible Skeletor can never quite defeat him. The opening scene of the cartoon shows Skeletor talking to his IQ challenged sidekick Beastman. Skeletor explains to Beastman that he is going to bind He-Man with chains. Beastman correctly points out that He-Man can break any chains. Skeletor corrects him by telling him these are going to be chains of Duty.
I don’t remember many details from this point on but Skeletor obviously tries to put He-Man is some kind of dilemma over conflicting duties. It of course doesn’t work and He-Man is eventually victorious. I love it when the good guy wins.
Chain’s of Duty. It’s an interesting concept.
I was reminded of this little cartoon while watching the new episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8. (Yes, I’m pretty sure my sexuality is in question because of this.) I’m not going to take the time to explain the show, but if you know anything about it, you know these two Parental gems have a set of twins and a set of sextuplets. (That’s the plus 8 part.) They are having marital troubles for a number of reasons but that’s not my point. My point is that the husband is obviously tied to this TV show - and his wife for that matter – by chains of duty. Maybe he signed a contract, maybe he has financial obligations that won’t let him leave, maybe his wife really does keep his balls in a jar on her desk but regardless, this guy is definitely in chains.
I’ve found that many Christians both devout and backslidden live everyday chained down by chains of duty (guilt?). I am no exception. What’s more, Christians react violently to those who have left the faith and who completely throw off the chains of duty. It is as if there is still this expectation that the backslider will still hold relatively close to the old ideas and rules.
I wonder how life would be without chains of duty.
Several years ago one of my former mentors announced to the world that he now preferred penises and that in fact he was never really all that into vaginas. He was a well respected worship pastor and over the years had developed a mentor type relationship with many young people. Needless to say this had repercussions. He was no longer allowed to pastor in our particular denomination, he and his wife divorced, and many people stopped speaking to him. I’m sure his experience has been repeated thousands of time in the church.
Honestly, I can’t quite reconcile what he’s done in my own mind. I’m still pretty much a homophobe. Still, who wants to live their life denying who they are and being miserable? I can certainly understand why he might make that choice. Also, who am I say he can’t put his penis where he wants to?
Sorry, I’m straying from the point just so I can make penis jokes.
What I really want to ask my friend (if you ever read this, I still consider you a dear friend) is, are you really happier? Having thrown off the chains of duty do you really live your life in a more satisfying and fulfilling way? How did you make it through the initial pain your choice caused those around you?
I don’t ask these questions in an accusatory way. These are real questions that may not have easy answers.
My penis loving friend once posted a quote to his MySpace page that went something like this “Abominable no more, now quite authentic.”
I wonder, is my large gay friend really He-Man?
Walter Mitty
I started this blog under a pseudonym because there are many people who I do not want to read my writings. Call it arrogant if you want but most of my friends and family are incapable of handling (accepting?) questions about faith and react angrily to anything that might “redefine” what being a Christian looks like. This is evidenced by my wife whom I love.
By expressing my doubt and voicing my less than full faith in the Bible I have deeply wounded her. I have launched an assault on the things that she believes most deeply and holds most dear. She believes with every ounce of her being all the core beliefs of a good Billy Graham evangelical. My rejection, complete or in pieces, of these core beliefs is an affront to everything, even our marriage vows.
To her the Bible is without error. If confronted with a contradiction between the Bible and an external source such as historical records, scientific evidence, etc then in her view it is the extra-biblical material that must be in error.
Below is quote from a blog I recently read. I find the last line to more accurately portray most evangelicals view of Christianity than anything I have read in recent memory.
“… I recognize that Christian belief emerges from a matrix of the text of Holy Scripture, the history of interpretation, cultural and sub-cultural presuppositions, the use of reason, the place of experience, the wisdom of the teachers of the larger church and the work of the Holy Spirit in revealing more light. I embrace this more complex understanding of Christian belief as part of the great stream of Christian existence, and I reject any notions that Christian belief falls from the sky as a magic book that exists apart from other components of human experience.”
“…Christian belief falls from the sky as a magic book that exists apart from other components of human experience.”
This might be my favorite line ever written.
So back to Walter Mitty.
If you are mildly interested in literature you may have read the short story “The Secret life of Walter Mitty” by James Thurber. It was required reading in one of my high school English classes. I hated English in school. I guess it would be more appropriate to say that I hated English teachers, so the fact that this story has stuck with me through the years says something.
It’s the story of a man named Walter Mitty who is driving his wife to town for her weekly appointment with the hairdresser. We are introduced to his wife as she berates her husband for going fifty-five miles an hour when he knows she does not like going above forty.
Walter’s laps in memory is because he is day dreaming about flying a Navy plane in the middle of a storm. The story of his trip to town is interspersed with several episodes of his daydreaming. A pilot, a surgeon, a pilot again, then finally a firing squad. The message is clear, at least to me. In order for Walter to muddle through his life he must compartmentalize and live a “secret” life. In his case it is in his mind and puts him at the center of the plot as the hero of the story.
I have believed for some time now that my life may well end up like this short story. This blog is part of the evidence. Here I can “daydream” if you will about my true thoughts and feelings without risk of hurting those I love. (I do realize that my lack of belief causes them pain) I can live a different life as Walter Mitty.
Work is another example.
I was once a pastor. My greatest gift was preaching and I have to admit I was damn good at it. However, I was disrespected, treated poorly, stolen from, and generally abused by Christians in the church. (read some of my other posts for humorous treatments of these events.) Now, I work in the business world. I am becoming increasingly versed in finance and have good command of many topics we hear discussed in the news and in print. I interact with sophisticated investors on a daily basis and I’ve been interviewed on NPR regarding the economic downturn. I have found that I posses a rather unsuspected knack for thriving in the corporate world and I plan to make as much money as I can. My career goal is to become the mythical “MAN”
Here’s my current mindset in a nutshell.
You’ve all heard the following pithy statement, or something similar “Be careful that you don’t get to the top of the ladder only to find that is was leaning against the wrong building”. Christians love this one and it gets repeated at least once a year in most churches. My thought is maybe the church has been wrong for along time. I’ve tried the churches way and it sucked, so lets try it the other way and see if the church is right.
Back to my point
The idea of this kind of life does give me some pause though.
Maybe it’s the lack of a bigger purpose for my life. I’d like to be very cynical about this but in reality this is one the things that does bother me about a change of ideals. I want to provide for my family and make enough money to pursue my interests. This is the sum total of why I exist. Maybe that’s shallow but I don’t really care and the fact that I don’t seem to care, concerns me.
I do wonder though if many years from now lying on my deathbed if I will look back and recognize that I didn’t live with a big enough purpose and feel great sadness. Walter Mitty seems like a reasonably effective way to muddle through a less then extraordinary life but I’m not sure I will be happy with the results in the end.
By expressing my doubt and voicing my less than full faith in the Bible I have deeply wounded her. I have launched an assault on the things that she believes most deeply and holds most dear. She believes with every ounce of her being all the core beliefs of a good Billy Graham evangelical. My rejection, complete or in pieces, of these core beliefs is an affront to everything, even our marriage vows.
To her the Bible is without error. If confronted with a contradiction between the Bible and an external source such as historical records, scientific evidence, etc then in her view it is the extra-biblical material that must be in error.
Below is quote from a blog I recently read. I find the last line to more accurately portray most evangelicals view of Christianity than anything I have read in recent memory.
“… I recognize that Christian belief emerges from a matrix of the text of Holy Scripture, the history of interpretation, cultural and sub-cultural presuppositions, the use of reason, the place of experience, the wisdom of the teachers of the larger church and the work of the Holy Spirit in revealing more light. I embrace this more complex understanding of Christian belief as part of the great stream of Christian existence, and I reject any notions that Christian belief falls from the sky as a magic book that exists apart from other components of human experience.”
“…Christian belief falls from the sky as a magic book that exists apart from other components of human experience.”
This might be my favorite line ever written.
So back to Walter Mitty.
If you are mildly interested in literature you may have read the short story “The Secret life of Walter Mitty” by James Thurber. It was required reading in one of my high school English classes. I hated English in school. I guess it would be more appropriate to say that I hated English teachers, so the fact that this story has stuck with me through the years says something.
It’s the story of a man named Walter Mitty who is driving his wife to town for her weekly appointment with the hairdresser. We are introduced to his wife as she berates her husband for going fifty-five miles an hour when he knows she does not like going above forty.
Walter’s laps in memory is because he is day dreaming about flying a Navy plane in the middle of a storm. The story of his trip to town is interspersed with several episodes of his daydreaming. A pilot, a surgeon, a pilot again, then finally a firing squad. The message is clear, at least to me. In order for Walter to muddle through his life he must compartmentalize and live a “secret” life. In his case it is in his mind and puts him at the center of the plot as the hero of the story.
I have believed for some time now that my life may well end up like this short story. This blog is part of the evidence. Here I can “daydream” if you will about my true thoughts and feelings without risk of hurting those I love. (I do realize that my lack of belief causes them pain) I can live a different life as Walter Mitty.
Work is another example.
I was once a pastor. My greatest gift was preaching and I have to admit I was damn good at it. However, I was disrespected, treated poorly, stolen from, and generally abused by Christians in the church. (read some of my other posts for humorous treatments of these events.) Now, I work in the business world. I am becoming increasingly versed in finance and have good command of many topics we hear discussed in the news and in print. I interact with sophisticated investors on a daily basis and I’ve been interviewed on NPR regarding the economic downturn. I have found that I posses a rather unsuspected knack for thriving in the corporate world and I plan to make as much money as I can. My career goal is to become the mythical “MAN”
Here’s my current mindset in a nutshell.
You’ve all heard the following pithy statement, or something similar “Be careful that you don’t get to the top of the ladder only to find that is was leaning against the wrong building”. Christians love this one and it gets repeated at least once a year in most churches. My thought is maybe the church has been wrong for along time. I’ve tried the churches way and it sucked, so lets try it the other way and see if the church is right.
Back to my point
The idea of this kind of life does give me some pause though.
Maybe it’s the lack of a bigger purpose for my life. I’d like to be very cynical about this but in reality this is one the things that does bother me about a change of ideals. I want to provide for my family and make enough money to pursue my interests. This is the sum total of why I exist. Maybe that’s shallow but I don’t really care and the fact that I don’t seem to care, concerns me.
I do wonder though if many years from now lying on my deathbed if I will look back and recognize that I didn’t live with a big enough purpose and feel great sadness. Walter Mitty seems like a reasonably effective way to muddle through a less then extraordinary life but I’m not sure I will be happy with the results in the end.
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